For some time now, I’ve felt a strong push (or pull?) to move. I dream about living in a condo where someone else would take care of yard work and there would be less rooms to clean. Or a sustainable home that generates its own energy and distributes grey water to the gardens.
I’ve even fantasized about living in another country like Denmark. They always rank so high in happiness ratings, afterall. Of course I don’t speak any Danish, so that might be a problem.
But mostly, I imagine an extended period of time where I would be able to shed most of my material burdens and focus on my family. Where we could all enjoy each other’s company rather than play paper-scissors-rock to decide who gets to weed the flower beds this week.
For me, there is a heavy, restrictive feeling that owning a home brings. There are fences to stain, windows to replace, gardens to keep, grass to mow, walls to paint, plumbing problems to resolve…and the list goes on and on.
Of course there is also a yard for the kids to play in. And the comfort that comes with not worrying whether the kids playing and thumping around will disrupt any neighbors.
Not to mention we love the schools in our area. My third grader’s elementary school is outstanding and I really couldn’t imagine pulling him out and having him start somewhere new.
My parents live right down the street as well, which the kids and I absolutely love.
Since the positives seem to at least match the negatives for the time being, we’ll probably stay put and focus on paying off the mortgage.
But the sense of restriction I feel when it comes to home ownership seem to spill over into other areas of my life. In fact, I’m beginning to think the whole concept of minimalism is simply a way for me to avoid responsibility and maintain freedom.
The part that confuses me, is why everybody doesn’t feel this way.
Many people I know (my parents included) seem to thrive on caring for and maintaining things. Whether it’s a home, a car or furniture, some individuals seem to be wired to nurture things.
But I’m just not built that way.
I love to nurture people, but I despise taking care of things. In fact, most times I’m downright resentful of the time it takes me to maintain and care for inanimate objects. Spending a Saturday scrubbing toilets and sweeping out the garage is not my idea of a fulfilling life.
Does this mean I feel I’m above menial tasks? That I’m lazy? Irresponsible? Not really.
I believe it just means that I can see through the illusion that is our physical reality. This is all temporary. New houses, impressive careers and shiny cars don’t sustain our souls. Loving relationships, spirituality and service are what brings us true contentment.
The trick is realizing that our physical world isn’t real. Nothing attained in this realm will follow us when we leave this world. In fact, the stuff we amass becomes a burden to those left to manage our estate.
We would be well served to focus our attention and energy on leaving those we care about with fond memories of time together and warm feelings of love. Not a huge house full of knickknacks and heavy furniture to sell or dispose of once we’re gone.
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Watch the movie “I AM” by the director of such movies as: Ace Ventura – it is a documentary sort of film and it was fascinating – interesting insights into human nature and living with less.
Hey Laura,
I have seem the documentary “I Am” and you’re right, it’s good. I would also recommend “I’m Fine, Thanks” produced by Adam Baker of Man Vs. Debt.
Indeed, scrubbing toilets may not seem to bring spiritual contentment, but I had a different reaction to your post: my husband and I believe in a marriage of service to one another. When I clean house, and “take care of inanimate objects” as you put it, I try to remember that I am doing a service to my family, and that does elevate menial tasks to a more spiritual level.
Hi Faun,
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Surprisingly, I do agree with your ideas on taking care of the environment (or home) that our family inhabits. I guess I feel that I have more home that what we use or need, and it creates unnecessary work and time lost. I would love to take the time I spend cleaning and maintaining the extra space we’re responsible for (but don’t use) and spend it with my family.
I love this post, Jenny, because I could have written it myself. I too yearn for that sense of freedom and escape from being tied to things like house maintenance. My husband and I are working towards a dream of traveling with our 3 kids and discovering more to life. I have a hard time explaining it to people because we don’t have a bad life, we just want more life experiences for our kids and it just seems harder to do living the life we do now.
We finally sold our house a week ago. We lost a ton of money but that’s a story for another day. I just have to laugh though because as all the agents at the table were thanking us for our business I blurted out “I’m telling everyone I know to NEVER buy a house….but if they do, I’ll send them to you.” It’s probably not what they expected to hear.
I just never want to be tied to a house like that again. Even knowing my parents plan to leave us their house when they die hangs over me.
Enough of my rambling though. I just wanted to comment and let you know there are some kindred spirits out there that feel the way you do. Take care, Jenny.
Jenny, I tell everyone I know the same….Don’t buy a house…
Juanita – When it was just my husband and me, maintaining the house was easier, and even enjoyable. But now that we have two children, there seems to be more home maintenance chores than there are available hours.
It’s quite funny really. We wanted a nice home in which we could raise our kids. But now that they’re here, we have to spend more time than we’d like keeping up the house — time we would like to be spending with the kids.
The irony of it all!
No kidding!
Oops! Sorry Faith, I got your name wrong.
Congratulations on selling your house Faith! That has to be such a huge relief to have that burden gone from your lives.
And you’re so right. The experiences we share with our kids are what it’s all about. I suppose we could share a nice toilet cleaning and floor polishing with them, but I would much rather share an afternoon at the park.
I used to feel the same way when I was living a conventional life. Over worked, too busy taking care of things, and not enough time for the people I loved or myself. Since making MAJOR changes and simplifying my life, I find that I now enjoy taking care of the few things I do have. The material things may not last, but it is you “self” or character that benefits from mindfully caring for things.
Reduce and I think you’ll enjoy life more.
DSG
Zenpresence.com
Great advice Zen Presence. We have reduced considerably. In fact, it was after reducing that we became hyper aware of the time and energy spent taking care of space we don’t truly need or use.
You know, you hit the nail on the head. While I think that some chores are absolutely necessary and some yard items could classify as simplification and important and can incorporate wonderful experiences for your family such as growing your own food. I can’t bring myself to sink hours and hours into keeping up with the Jones’ in terms of flower gardens and perfect lawns, etc. And, there is so much that can be done to minimize the work inside and evenly distribute (dad and kids included) the absolutely necessary housework so that the whole family gains time to create memories. Blogs such as yours most definitely contribute these ideas to help others gain quality of life. I personally think minimizing my job is also a key to this. While I have done so already by taking a job that allows me to leave it behind the minute 5 pm arrives and allows for some flexibility, especially in terms of taking sick time for my kids, etc. It is still not minimal enough. If I need to work, my ideal time for outside work is 20-25 hours/week as I’ve had the opportunity to do in the past and am working towards once again. And, guess what? Debt is the intermediary factor. YOu speak to these key factors (minimizing stuff, debt and work time) so nicely, keep up the good work!
Awesome insights Juanita — thanks so much for sharing.
Interesting post, Jenny.
I am a reluctant homeowner. The main reason my husband and I bought a house back in the late 90s was at the time, monthly mortgage payments worked out much cheaper than monthly rental – and you get to keep the house after 25 years. Other reasons were that my late grandad left me some money to invest in property (not a vast sum, but it covered the deposit and the legal fees). Also, after 6 or 7 years of renting, we got a bit fed up of being at the mercy of landlords, or subjected to quarterly inspections by rental agencies. So I guess it’s swings and roundabouts.
Hi Sarah!
I can see your point about being at the mercy of landlords. Yuck!
I’ve been thinking a freestanding condo (paid for in cash) would be the way to go. There is still the risk of condo fees increasing, but the yard work, snow removal and other outdoor maintenance would be taken care of.
Based on what I’ve seen from others, I’d never want to live in a condo. To me, it’s the worst of renting and the worst of property ownership.
You have a bunch of neighbors that are all part of the association, and majority rule determines whether you can paint your house, put up a basketball hoop, put a pool in your back yard, get satellite TV, etc. etc.
And let’s not forget that that same majority rule can also decide to do neat things like decorate the entire neighborhood for Christmas at a cost of $500 per condo, and bill it to you.
It’s like going into business with a bunch of complete strangers, and paying a monthly fee for the privilege of sacrificing your freedoms.
It sounds to me like what you really need is a 12-year-old kid that needs money, and knows how to operate a lawnmower and a snowblower.
Oh Robert. You always crack me up.
I have heard some horror stories about condo associations, but I didn’t realize it was a majority rule for things like decorations! Yikes. That could get sticky (and expensive!) if there are numerous religious holiday celebrations.
I think you’re right — a 12 year old kid with a lawn mower and a desire to earn money would be ideal!
I would love such freedom too. Being tied to household maintenance is something that I will be glad to be free from by all means. I will have to watch that Movie recommended by Laura and see if i can finally make a decision after that.
If we didn’t have two young kids, I think we would enjoy the freedom of renting.
It used to be that houses continually appreciated in value, but since the housing market took a dive, home ownership doesn’t have the same perks as it used to.
I LOVED this post! I’m with you on feeling too “lazy” to care for my home the way other people probably think I should…there are weeds all over my lawn, my front flower bed is completely dead, and my home is hardly ever clean. I prefer to think of my home as the setting for good memories, and that’s my motivation to improve things…but I only need to improve them to my own standards, not somebody else’s!
Exactly. We all have different values and priorities that change from year-to-year depending on what’s happening in our lives Michelle. I always try to keep that in mind before judging someone’s lawn.
It’s always easier to keep perspective after having been there ourselves, huh?
“Loving relationships, spirituality and service are what brings us true contentment.”
Reminds me of the story of Jesus and the two sisters, Martha and Mary. Both did what was important, but Mary chose to focus on what really mattered
http://www.ucg.org/christian-living/profiles-faith-mary-martha-lessons-two-sisters
-Rich
That was an awesome and meaningful story Rich. Thank you so much for sharing!
I can totally relate yet feel so conflicted about it all. On the one hand, home ownership certainly ties you down in some areas, yet gives you freedom in others. For example, I never have to worry about asking a landlord if we want to get a new pet or foster animals. I can customize my house to however we see fit. Yet with having to quickly uproot to a new state in just over 2 months, we are truly seeing the financial burden of it all. Not only will we have to find renters, but we’ll also have to complete all of our half-done renovations. Thus meaning, we have poured so much money in to improvements and won’t be able to enjoy them. However, I also know that once we move, we’ll miss the mortgage factor as renting is WAY more than buying these days. It just depends on what you are willing to give up: working more to pay for rent, working less at a job, but putting more work in with owning. It’s a very tricky debate with no clear winner.
You’re moving in two months Megyn? How did I miss that!
Your points about renting versus home ownership are solid. Like you said, there is no clear winner for most.
I hope all of the work to get your house ready for renters goes smoothly. And I hope your move is a positive adventure!
Hi, I just recently discovered your blog! I often feel that a house and a yard are like babies- they require so much time and effort but are not nearly as cute or rewarding! On the other hand my oldest is a teen now and I want a place where he and his friends feel comfortable coming and hanging out. It’s hard to reconcile the desire to not be tied to a house and yet having roots.
I feel like I am very much the same way. I prefer freedom, and staying in one place for so long seems boring to me, but I might grow out of that as I grow older. I really hope that I don’t though, because I would like my life to be as interesting as possible, and sitting in the same place forever doesn’t scream exciting to me.
Jenny,
Great article — as always. I’m in the process of jettisoning our house. (Faith, what’s the name of your agent? Our 6-month contract is up and we need a new one. A good one who can actually sell a house.) Robert is right about Tenant Associations. You’re at their mercy and they are merciless! You have no control whatsoever over your fees, so it’s the worst of both worlds. Also, condos values are typically the first to plummet in a crunch, but I can see this changing somewhat as women get tired of caring for house, kids and full-time job. My generation seemed to accept this non-stop work as if it were our price for the privilege of working full time!) I hope you find the balance you’re seeking!
Thanks for this post. I am also seriously questioning the benefits of home ownership. I am a very lucky and thankful stay at home dad. I get to spend a lot of time with my two boys, but the whole family (mom included) isn’t together as often as we would like. When we are all together I often find that I have to do chores that I can’t do when it is just the boys and I. Things like mowing the lawn, weed eating, taking the trash to the dump, minor repair or replacement work, etc. I would much rather be spending time with whole family than doing any of these home ownership related chores. In addition, I often think about the looming significant expense of replacing something major in the house e.g. the septic system, the heat pump or the roof. Those things all cost a pretty penny and since we are a one income family the cost of replacing any of those items would be felt. On top of that, if a really great opportunity opened up somewhere far from where we currently live (say a dream job) we probably wouldn’t be able to take advantage of it unless we could sell our house.
I think it would be prudent for us to seriously consider selling now (while we are in no hurry) and renting someplace in town that has access to public transportation and that is hopefully within walking distance of places we like to go such as the library and/or a park where the boys can play. We could sell one of our cars, so even if the rental was a bit more expensive we could kind of break even there.
Home ownership has been oversold and it can be a trap for working and middle class families. Those of us in the middle and working class need to recognize that access is often better than ownership. I think that it is beneficial to live light (have only what you need and really want/use and nothing more) and to live loose (essentially organizing your life in a way that makes it easier for you to adapt to changing conditions and gives you the flexibility to make changes to take advantage of short lived opportunities). For me the benefits of home ownership are outweighed by the drawbacks. Instead of mowing my lawn, I would rather be pushing my boys on the swings at the playground. Instead of using our limited disposable income on putting in a new heat pump, I would rather use the money to take a family trip to Yellowstone. In my experience it seems that home ownership is actually preventing me from putting my priorities into practice.
“What is at the center of your life? Carefully examine where you spend your attention, your time. Look at your appointment book, your daily schedule… This is what receives your care and attention–and by definition, your love.”
~ Wayne Muller
One of the things I notice when I go back to the US is that home ownership is a full-time (pre)occupation. There is always a furnace to fix, or a new couch to buy etc.
I live in Japan and we rent. People say it’s like throwing money away, but I’m definitely not going to commit to a 35-year loan on a losing proposition (especially over here).
I save up so I can go home once a year, and I’m thankful I have a “nomadic” job that I can take with me wherever I go. If my family members would get rid of that second car or choose not to upgrade their furniture suite etc., they could probably come visit me.
Yours,
L.W. in Japan